by Larry Magid

There was a time when adults turned to Emily Post to help them know how to behave. She was an author and journalist who educated mid-20th century America about etiquette and manners

Much of what she said back then about “please” and “thank you” remains useful. But in the 21st century, we have to think about how to apply those concepts to the digital world.

Let’s start with one of the basic tenants of etiquette — the notes we send to thank people or to acknowledge a birthday or special occasion. There was a time when it was considered essential to pen and mail off a thank-you note after going to someone’s house for dinner or receiving any type of gift. Today I think it’s acceptable to use e-mail for this purpose. A simple e-mail should be sufficient to thank a business colleague for a meeting or to thank someone who invites you to their home for dinner or picks up a restaurant tab.

But I wouldn’t recommend using only e-mail to thank someone for a wedding, bar mitzvah or confirmation gift. It’s fine to send a thank you by e-mail but, for these types of typically substantial gifts, I think it adds to the dignity of the occasion to follow it up with a note.

Greetings for birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions are a bit tricky. Many people still buy cards and send them via snail mail, which is certainly still appropriate. Others prefer using e-cards. If you are going to send an electronic greeting card, make sure you use a legitimate service, such as BlueMountain.com, Hallmark.com or AmericanGreetings.com.It’s not uncommon for free greeting card services to display advertising, not only to you when you send the card but to the person receiving it. I don’t mind subjecting myself to ads, but I don’t want them included in greetings or thank-you notes I send to others. Also, if you are not dealing with a reputable company, there is the chance of both you and the recipient being exposed to malware, pop-up ads and spam. A greeting that causes the recipient to get unwanted e-mail isn’t a nicety — it’s a Trojan horse.

My wife is one of those people who likes printed cards for her birthday, Mother’s Day, our anniversary and other occasions. She’d be happy with a Hallmark card but that’s not my style, so I always whip something up myself that I can print out for her.

I’ve used greeting card software like Hallmark Card Studio or Print Shop Deluxe, but most of the time I create something using Microsoft Word. I often include a personal photo, such as a shot of our kids for Mother’s Day or a picture of the two of us for our anniversary, along with appropriate text. And I sign it the old fashioned way — not via the printer. Microsoft Word, which many people already have, has templates for a wide variety of cards.

Facebook has created a new birthday etiquette. By default, the service will inform users that their friends are about to celebrate a birthday, and it’s now customary to send a personal message on Facebook or post something to their wall. If you post to someone’s wall, remember that what you say can be seen by others, so don’t get too personal. And, if you’re one of those people who have lots of “friends” who aren’t really friends, skip the birthday greeting. I think it’s gratuitous to get greetings from people you have no real connection with.

And speaking of Emily Post and manners, be careful what you post on Facebook and Twitter. I’ve stopped following people who tweet so often that they overwhelm me with their comments. I don’t know how much is just enough but I do know that hundreds of tweets a day — yes, there are people who do that — are far too many.

When it comes to Facebook, my main concern is respecting others’ privacy. Be thoughtful about photos you post that include other people. You might want to ask them first. And be considerate about what you post on your or other people’s wall to make sure it’s appropriate. I sometimes delete comments on my wall because I just don’t want to be associated with someone’s mean or inappropriate comment.

With all digital media, be respectful, avoid angry outbursts and be careful how you use satire or potentially inappropriate humor. What works in person or even by phone sometimes doesn’t work well online because the human contact that puts things into context is often missing. And remember, anything you post or send in an e-mail or even text message can forever be copied, stored or forwarded. Something you post or send today can haunt you for years.

A lot has changed since 1922 when Emily Post wrote “Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics and at Home,” but some things never change. Politeness, kindness, respect and discretion will never become obsolete.

This column originally appeared in the San Jose Mercury News

I’ve been traveling with a portable computer of one sort or another since the eighties. Back then and through most of the nineties my biggest frustration was that hotel rooms almost never had modem jacks and often didn’t have modular plugs, making it impossible to simply plug your PC’s modem into the phone line

That’s no longer an issue for two reasons.  First, no one uses telephone modems anymore.  We now connect our laptops wirelessly via WiFi or, in some cases, by plugging into an Ethernet jack.  But, ironically, the other reason it’s no longer a problem is because most hotels now do have modem jacks which arrived just in time to be no longer necessary.   Back in the day, I carried a kit with me that included a screw driver, alligator clips and a wire stripper so I could connect my modem to the phone line.  That worked most of the time but got me into trouble in London where I was almost arrested for unauthorized access to what was at the time the government owned phone company.  When I tried to connect from a trade show press room at a conference center, I was told that I needed a licensed engineer to make that connection and I could be arrested and fined.  A Japanese hotel nearly evicted me for messing around with its phone wiring and a Las Vegas a hotel tried to hit me with a $100 charge for taking apart their phone jack. They finally agreed to drop the charge in exchange for my agreeing to remove the connectors.

Those days are over but I still have a “connectivity” problem with most hotels because it’s often hard or even impossible to find an available electrical outlet.

I’m writing today’s column from the Omni Shoreham Hotel in Washington DC. It’s an expensive luxury hotel with all the creature comforts you could ask for, including a flat screen room TV.

But I didn’t come here to watch TV. I have work to do so the first thing I need is a place to plop down  and plug-in my laptop.

The good news is that there is a desk and a chair that’s suitable for working. Most hotels have desks but many have cushy chairs which are fine for lounging around in but not good for working at a computer.

The bad news is that there were no available electrical outlets anywhere near the desk.  There is an electrical outlet below the desk but it’s occupied by the lamp and coffee pot.  The only open outlets in the room are in the bathroom and next to the room’s cushy chair.

Belkin Mini Surge Protector

Because this has happened to me many time before, I now travel with an extension cord or power strip.   Of course any power strip will do but there are special ones designed for travel such as the Belkin Mini Travel Surge Protector with USB Charger ($16.99 on Amazon.com) or the Monster Outlets to Go Power Strip ($14.43).  The Belkin model has three grounded electrical outlets plus places to charge two USB devices such as an iPhone, iPod or Blackberry.  The Monster device has four outlets and a cord that conveniently plugs into one of the outlets so it doesn’t dangle and get caught up in things. Both are compact and fit easily into your luggage.  Another alternative is just a regular old extension cord which typically comes with three outlets.  The cord I’m carrying – which probably cost about $2 — doesn’t have grounded outlets but most portable devices these days don’t require a 3-prong outlet.

Monster Outlets To Go Power Strip

With my electrical needs taken care of, I’m a reasonably happy camper but I still have some hotel related gripes.  For one thing, most hotel rooms  have awful lighting. There is rarely an overhead light so you have to walk around the room turning on lamps.  And when you leave the room you should do the reverse but, of course, a lot of people are lazy about turning off lights, especially when they’re not paying the power bill. Most European hotels have a simple solution for that. When you walk into your room you put your key into a slot that enables all the lights and outlets. When you take away your key, the power goes out.  Europeans have long been paying a lot more than Americans for energy so have became quite creative in ways to save it.

Another gripe I have about luxury hotels is the cost of WiFi. Many cheap or moderately priced motels – like Red Roof Inn and most Best Westerns,  give free WiFi but expensive hotels add even more to the bill by charging up to $15 a night for Internet access. It’s even worse internationally – I paid $25 for WiFi in Turkey and $30 a night in Berlin.  Some hotel chains – including Omni and Fairmont – will give you free WiFi if you belong to their reward program but you have to ask. I signed up for Omni’s program when I checked into my room and am now surfing for free.

Enough complaining. Now it’s time head down to the lobby for some over-priced coffee.

I appreciate all the great technological advances of the last 25 years or so but I sometimes question whether it’s all for the good.

Don’t get me wrong — I love my big-screen TV, my cell phone and my digital music player, and I wouldn’t dream of giving up my personal computer. But as I use all of these modern devices, I sometimes miss what they’ve replaced. For many devices, we’re opting for convenience and portability while sacrificing quality.

The cell phone is an obvious example. Sure, it’s great to be able to talk from anywhere, but there’s a reason we can all relate to those ubiquitous “Can you hear me now?” Verizon commercials. Who among us hasn’t experienced dropped calls or difficulty hearing or understanding someone talking on a cell phone?

I don’t recall having those problems with the land line I grew up with. Sure, that wired phone in my parents’ living room couldn’t go with me when I left the house, but that wasn’t entirely bad. At least I never had to worry about losing it and it never had to be charged. Even now, in addition to our cell phones and Internet lines, we still have one old-fashioned “POTS” line (stands for Plain Old Telephone Service) at our house with a couple of old-fashioned corded phones that work even if the power fails.

I always know where they are, and those are the phones I always use when sound quality counts. Speaking of quality sound and corded phones, am I the only one who misses pay phones? Because of my work with CBS, I need to go on the radio every day and, for quality reasons, prefer using a land line. Trouble is, finding a working pay phone when I travel — even at an airport or hotel lobby — is increasingly difficult.

I also miss my old typewriter. I feel certain nostalgia for the clicking sound it made when I banged the keys. Writing felt somehow more deliberate in those days. But what I miss most is how easy it was to fill out forms. Have you ever tried filling in the blanks on a PDF file? Unless it’s one of the few that are designed for that purpose (hats off to the IRS for using interactive PDF forms on its site), it’s really hard to do, even if you have a PDF editor. I don’t, however, miss having to use buckets of Wite-Out and wasting reams of crumpled-up paper.

My biggest complaint is what we’re settling for when it comes to music. These days, most young people listen to virtually all their recorded music through those little white earbuds connected to an iPod or some other digital player. IPods are great and those white earbuds are fine as far as they go, but listening to a highly compressed MP3 file through earbuds is not the same as listening to a well-mastered LP record or CD through good speakers or good headphones.

Even if you connect your iPod to a good audio system, you’re still suffering from a narrower harmonic range — there is simply less information in the file.

I did make sound compromises in the ’70s and ’80s when I would make cassette tapes of my favorite LPs (and later CDs) to listen to in the car or at my office. I had to put up with hiss and other imperfections, but I still owned that original LP or CD, which I could put on when I wanted to get the best possible sound. That may still be the case if you rip your own MP3 files from CDs. But if you buy your music on iTunes or any other download service, you don’t even have the CD to fall back on.

Apple and some other download services now offer higher-quality files. Apple says its iTunes tracks, which are encoded as 256 kbps AAC files, are “virtually indistinguishable from the original recordings.” But “virtually” isn’t the same as “exactly,” which is always the goal for serious audiophiles.

In the old days, when I wanted to kick back and really enjoy my tunes or impress a friend, I would carefully remove an LP from its album cover, gently place it on the turntable and run a cleaning cloth over it before carefully placing the needle on the record.

And it wasn’t just about sound. Many of those LPs had wonderful album covers with great images on the front, plenty to read on the back and often printed liner notes with even more information. Apple is trying to bring that back with its new iTunes LP feature. Admittedly, it can offer video and other media that those old record producers could only dream of, but that doesn’t completely make up for the aesthetics of those old printed LP albums.

Before you write me off as a Luddite or just a grumpy old man, Google the term “vinyl comeback.” You’ll find articles from Time, Rolling Stone and other sources about how college and even high school kids are now collecting vinyl records because of the warmer sound as well as the covers and liner notes.

I’m still waiting for land lines and typewriters to become hip again.

This column originally appeared in the San Jose Mercury News

By now, just about everyone knows that whatever is digital can be copied, stored, and forwarded, which is one of the reasons I try to avoid using e-mail for anything highly confidential or potentially embarrassing.

But I have had a few embarrassing oops over the years. Though not a big deal, I was embarrassed the other day when I got an e-mail from a colleague asking why the “signature” at the bottom of my e-mail I sent to a list of fellow journalists had the name of a newspaper that I hadn’t written for in about two years. It was because I sent the message using my Yahoo account, which I don’t use very often and which had an out-of-date signature. I had long ago changed the signature in Outlook and on Gmail but neglected to change it on Yahoo. Lesson learned: take a look at the signature and make changes as appropriate.

But that’s nothing compared with what happened about 10 years ago when I got an e-mail from my editor of the weekly column I was then writing for the Los Angeles Times. He said something in the message that bothered me, so to get a reality check I forwarded it to my wife with the comment, “I don’t think this guy likes me.” Turns out I hit Reply instead of Forward. A few hours later I got a reassuring message from my somewhat amused editor that he didn’t hate me. I felt a bit foolish but not nearly as much as another journalist who sent a note to a colleague about a fellow reporter he had a crush on. By accident he sent it to a list server that delivered it to every reporter in the department, including the woman he was writing about.

A friend of mine had a little problem a few months ago when she forwarded a totally innocuous e-mail to her daughter. What she didn’t realize is that below the message she meant to forward were other messages including one about the surprise birthday party being planned for the daughter, spoiling the surprise. Now before I hit Forward or Reply, I glance at the bottom of the message to make sure there are no older messages I would prefer not to forward.

Don’t let social-networking services raid your address book

Also be careful when signing up for any service that asks permission to access your e-mail address list. A few years ago I was doing research about the privacy features for young teens on a certain social-networking service. Purely for testing purposes, I setup an account as a 14-year old girl named “Laurie,” but somehow accidentally sent out invitations to join me on this service to more than 1,000 people from one of my Web-based mail service’s address book. You wouldn’t believe some of the messages I got back. Ever since then, I carefully avoid entering information from any of my e-mail accounts. If I want to send invitations to friends to join me on a social network, I’ll send them one at a time.

Even clicking Reply can get you into trouble. If you’re on a mailing list and someone writes to you via that list, clicking Reply is likely to respond to the entire list.

E-mail is not for expressing strong emotions

For the most part, I try to avoid using e-mail for emotionally charged messages. If I’m upset with someone I’d rather discuss it by phone. Sometimes, if something is really bothering me, I’ll write an emotional e-mail but send it to myself–not the other person. I then wait a few hours, read it over, and inevitably delete it.

I’ve heard of plenty of other issues, including office workers accidentally sending spreadsheets containing Social Security numbers of employees, people using e-mail to send a “Dear John” letter, or even companies using e-mail to fire or layoff employees–all bad ideas.

The bottom line is to think carefully before you click that send button.

Also:

• Be extremely careful before clicking Reply All
• Look in the address field before clicking Reply. Make sure you’re only replying to the person who wrote to you, not an entire list.
• Think before forwarding messages that may be inappropriate including any that contain material that may be racist, sexist, or politically charged.
• Be cautious before using satire or humor. What might be funny and appropriate in-person might be taken out of context via e-mail or forwarded to someone who might take offense
• Make sure whatever you have in your e-mail signature is up to date and accurate
• Remember, e-mail is forever. Even if you delete it, others can forward it